Monday, April 03, 2006

For Reaganizer

Because Nathan made me think of this and laugh at its truthfulness.

How To Write How to Write a College Paper:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your
friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either,
you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you
concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced
and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
understand it.
9. Check your email
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the
way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously,
as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started
writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the
course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt.
Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask
whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
to write that darn paper.


Owl of the Desert said...

I am totally putting off a paper right now. This post is so true.

joe4444 said...


I am trying to get started on h/w right now, but I have to check all the blogs to make sure theres nothing I can comment on. ;)

Owl of the Desert said...

HA! Finished my paper. After checking e-mail, blogs, NCAA Championship score, etc. quite a few times. Tomorrow night, I will proofread. For now...I'm headed to bed. Tomorrow comes early...6:00 am.

Lady Godiva said...

that definitely happens to me.

Elyow'eynay said...

That is truly awesome....truley.
But I want to know who was watching me the whole time without me knowing to figure out that that's what I did? And then to write it down....creeepy.
Maybe it was that trenchcoat guy lurking out in my hall way that I thought I saw when I looked out my door.

Nomos said...

Ah, Emily, I think you missed one:

37. Read a long post entitled "How to Write a College Paper"

...I have a 6 page philosophy paper due in the morning, and I've written 4 pages. This post is too true.

joe4444 said...

Ryan your not supposed to have started on it yet. Please learn to procrastinate properly.

rachel tsunami said...

This has to be one of the funniest, *truest* things I've read in a long time!

Brings back a barrage of painful recollections that have been softly tempered by time. Doesn't seem that long ago....